My Life Journey in Sweden (1)

     

     My whole life before I came to Sweden, I didn't know how it feels like to be lonely.. I've been living separately with my family since I was 15 to live close to my school, and I continue moving to pursue my study in college also when I start to work and has been traveling alone without any company in meantime, so I would say that I am pretty getting used to being alone to do everything to live but to feel lonely? I never experienced those kinds of feeling at all. I was 24yo when I arrived in Sweden. There is no complete doubt in me to go to a new country for the first time because I believe everywhere is my home. So I do not worry whether I will get lost or so on. I feel fulfilled and content even during my stay in Sweden. I've been through a lot of shit all of sudden during my stay, but I felt there is a higher power that always drags me out, keeping me safe and helping me in every pathway that I've experienced. When I don't have money, for example, somebody told me I can cheat, don't have to pay for the bus you can just go directly inside and be innocent. I am in battle I want to do it because I don't have much money but in the end, I decided to pay for the bus because at least I still have money left even if it is not that much. But you know what? The bus driver refused me to pay (because in Sweden, they all use cashless, and I bring my cash everywhere because I don't have it yet in the beginning). He said that only going inside it is okay:((((((( i cried so hard when I sat. I feel abundance and blessing. It proves to me also that good intention will never fail even though that is tough at first. All I want in life is I want to be true and honest, so there is nothing that I need to confuse about hiding from anyone else.

     This article was so personal for me because i have to remembering every little things in the past and write it in here, in order to help me to heal. Its been 6 months already since i went back to my home country but i still couldn't get rid of it and maybe never!! but i want to make it ease for me to make a move.. I would say i got many lesson aspect occur in the short time, from romantic relationship, friendship, social relationship, job, financially, mentally, knowledge or ability test and also wondering a question about who i am?.

    The first experience obviously about my Au pair program, the main reasons that brought me to Sweden and makes me questioning myself, what kind of job again that i have to pursue if only working as an Au pair also got failed. what am i capable at? you will know about my Au pair life if you already read about it, that i has been wrote in another article. I will not explain it again in here but it hits me hard from my job aspect. After i become a jobless in 2020 and finally got a cultural program in 2021 (I don't called it a job at first but my host family told me that was a job). However my Au pair program only last 5 months with the first family and 3 months with my second family. this aspect also related with my income to help me to live financially. Its just a hard life for me, i don't have enough money even to socialize, i have to think about afford my return ticket, about PCR test, and my first family also still cut of the taxes from my 3000kr. But maybe i just didn't feel grateful with this aspect, because although i feel like i don' have much money, there is always a good hand help me to solve this case...

    Secondly, my friendship or social relations aspect. I always kept all of my suffering and the sadness inside of me for so long. its hard for me even to express my own feeling and how come i can explain it to others(?) so i decided to keep my mouth shut. However, during my stayed its not easy for me to keep everything by myself, i want someone knows me and my story so at least they can have a clue about me and it also helps me to do not go insane / overwhelm alone by my own thought haha (you will understand what makes me go insane in the end of this whole article). but the decision to open up about my story always become the decision that i always regret. Someone will always using it, either they will use it to hit my weakness or they share my story again to someone else and turn the story completely. how come i can trust the person again to be my place where i can share my story with?

    The first moment was, i know the girl whom introduce me to my previous host family but i never met her personally in a real life and then after i decided to terminate my contract with my host family she came to the house and and i said hi to her but she didn't even reply my greetings and i try again i asked how is she doing?, maybe she didn't hear me before, but the same quiet treatment again. Then i notice okay she didn't want to talk to me and it hurts my feelings so badly like why? and i feel mad also. i mad and feel sad because i decided what best for me but why she felt disappointed of my decision even she didn't know what i experience and what this host family turn me to be something bad in my mind and i just want to stand about what am i thinking its right decision to took atm. she even told to another Aupair that i can't work because i am deaf, i can't speak english properly, iam stupid that i dont know the difference of freeze and fridge. i was like damn :((((((( its better not to know her actually. is she think that i want to born as someone with lack of listening ability? i am not choosing this life girl, i just doing it in order to get the same life like others people. I tried to get the best treatment for those and spend a lot of money on it. do you think that i just face it? https://vensmemories.blogspot.com/2022/03/my-aupair-journey-1.html

    Addition moments was this part are kinda funny and messy actually, because i don't know i can put this one in social relationship aspect that hit me or love life haha but because i dont feel love in here well i write it in a social relationship with others hoomaaan. I met Indonesian people who reside close to my previous host family.. i really like them, all of them as a family, they've been the best support system at that time and the wives an Indonesian told me, "Ven, if you meet someone, don't forget to introduce me and to introduce my husband also so we can evaluate what kind of guy who you dated." i was like waaaaaahhhhhh i wanna cry, they want to help me even if i meet a guy in Sweden. Later on, in a very nice and bright sky and when i already start a new life with a new family and everything run so fineeeee and she came visited me, and drive for about 6 hours back and forth. I feel like wahh she really meant it and i feel special because she put an effort to visit me to my a new city. but it was not a nice meeting though, she told me that "Its not appropriate for you to contacted my husband, i treat you like a friend, if you contact him, ..." i forgot the words after that, but she assume that i tried to seduce her husband because i was in contact with her husband, she is even checking my phone and asked me to screenshot about my chat with her husband (well i give it to her without any resistance, because i know i am not doing it). but you know what, i never even ever think of it lol so i feel like there is a thunder in my mind and my heart. The things is i was thinking that she is like my mom in Sweden but she thought that iam her friends lol even in here was already has a huge gap misunderstanding. What i really want to tell to her but i can't is why you don't asked your husband am i seduce him or doing something else? hah? but its shitty i cant get involve much to prove that i am not wrong. i have to stop because its just showing me, who really she is. She is even knows that i've been dated with many guys. but omg hooman.. maybe she thought that i will do anything in order to stay, including to steal someone else's husband lol. are you happy now, that i am back?

    The third moments was, i met Indonesian girl with almost the same age as me and also have an experience as an Aupair before. I told her before i went back home, i don't have a place to stay in Sweden because my contract with my last host family has been terminated and i said i will stay in Aunty X until i get my vaccine certificate and flight back home to her (I told her the details about my plan until i went back home), i already got Aunty X permission to stay in her place until i went back home, i also explained to Aunty X i just need to store my luggage but i will moving every week because i don't feel comfortable either to stay in her place for that long (but i don't tell her specifically where and to whom i will gonna stay). In all of sudden after 5 days i was stay in Aunty X place, she told me that those Indonesian girl tell her that i will stay with someone that i dated and he lives in the next city which i feel like why those girl has to telling Aunty X about it. I response to Aunty X yes that's true, the convo was over. The next day was so shocking, in the morning when only me and Aunty X are having breakfast, she asked, you will go today to your friends right? yes i answer, and she told me also, can you please bring your luggage when you are going? it shocked me, that's really mean that she kick me out and there is no others thought. I cant say even any word, because even before we had breakfast the guy that letting me stay in his place also cancelled the plan because he need to go to somewhere (I don't know maybe avoiding me). I don't have any idea what should i do so when Aunty X asked me to bring my luggage i was space out and couldn't speak any words, but she kept talking.. she said that you are going abroad, you can't stay in someone place like this by moving to one place to the another places, the neighbor will report me, if there is someone new with unclear purpose stay in here, you are supposed to call the social department for your case instead of staying in someone place like this. I really can't handle the feeling when i heard she's talking like that, even until i wrote this article i still have a battle to not shed a tears and avoiding to feel choked in my throat with whatever she told me. I already asked for her permission before, she knew exactly when my flight schedule is, also i told her i will not staying so long just need to store my luggage. Its was winter dude, at least i can store my luggage and i can stay anywhere but she told me to bring it with me. I was so angry and still i guess, i dont how to heal from it even after 6 months. I am angry with my situation at that time, i feel so helpless with Aunty X that kick me out but she also have right for it and also i still so grateful though that she is letting me and my luggage stay for 6days. I also feel upset and disappointed with those Indonesian girl that i thought were my friends. I really didn't know what was exactly she is trying to tell to Aunty X. but the whole situation was definitely fucking messed up.

Maybe i will divide it into three articles, because it seems there are so many things that i want to write and i want to tell it in a very detail about what i feel and what was actually happens.

*when you lose the trust and cant see a good things in someone, that the time when you feel lonely. i feel like this journey matters for me, it helps me to heal a wound from my dad, but it causes many wound also. is this the price that i have to pay for having an intention to heal from something?