Releasing hurtful memory

    After almost six months of living in my home country, the memory of what was happening in the past ten months living in Sweden can't vanish all of sudden. I still trying to deal with it and also dealing with the feeling that never stops wondering around and popping up the question many times such as am I such a loser? Why after my hard time over there I still can't figure out how to stay in Sweden?. How I could go back? Why do I hear it was easy for them to stay but not in my case? Why You god! not allow me to stay over there? and if you're not letting me stay at least give me a clue about how I can move on from it but nothing. I was being negative, stuck on my sadness swamp literally since the first time I arrive here. It is a strange experience in my life I feel suffering a lot yet at the same time I found a little happiness in it and I would say that is the thing that I miss... I feel alive when I can survive on my stand.

    I decided today, after having many times consideration, that life must go on, to deal with it by deleting the message from my previous person that I met in Sweden. I don't want to do it, but I have to for releasing a huge pain inside of me because I don't want to hold the things that only can remind me about pain rather than giving me the hope to pursue what I love. There is no certainty either that if I hold those memories for this long, will grant me hope about what I desire. However, I will live my own life eventually, and in my consciousness, I want to take off my control of myself and be Venny before all those events occur. I miss her, the girl who knows that she can be a woman but still trying to keep an eye on such a cheerful mindset, a girl with positive hope, a girl who understands that lives as an exploring ground, who understand this isn't a battle to lose or win.. it just what life it is...

    I wish that i am not losing her and still live with her to create a future together and understand if I can't hold what I desire might be there is another plan that has been written for my story.